Finding me

I was going to write about the fall season starting up and the first new show I watched (Hellcats, last night on the CW), but I just finished a difficult email to a friend and find myself thinking about other things. It's interesting that often to go forward one must first go backward.  It seems so illogical, not to mention inefficient. And if there is one thing I hate, it's inefficiency. But I'm learning that often the quickest way for me to move forward and through something, on to a better place, is to take a step back. It's like turning off onto the wrong path and needing to back up to where I got off track so I can go forward in the right direction. In recovery I often hear the phrase "two steps forward, one step back." Usually said in frustration with oneself. But maybe it's necessary. Maybe it's because life leads us all down the wrong path sometimes. Or maybe it isn't the wrong path, just the wrong path for a certain person, or a certain time. I remember a visiting pastor once saying how we have to wait for things sometimes because we aren't ready for them and if we got them before being ready it wouldn't work. I think I believe that more than I did even then. Looking back on the past year or so I can see where I've had to turn around because even though I thought I was going in the right direction, it turns out I was off track. And getting back on track was often a difficult, painful process for me, but so worth it in the end. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me, but that's OK, because learning this lesson has improved my life, my understanding, my outlook. I think it's also helped me to see patterns in my behavior and stop making the same mistakes over and over. Now I can make new mistakes! How exciting.