Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

Short break. Miss me? Of course you did.

Life has been so busy lately. I feel like I don't have even a moment to stop and catch my breath sometimes. I find it very difficult when my weekends - the only time I can really relax between the weekly insanity - are busier than my week. It's hard enough having just two days to recuperate/prepare, but when there's so much going on I don't even get that. Oh well.

Last weekend (I guess a couple weekends ago now - the one before the one we just had) I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party Saturday. I was going to get a nice, relaxing mani/pedi, then pick something up at Safeway to bring to the party, and then spend the rest of the night hanging out and having fun. Not what happened. Instead I got a call from the friend I was supposed to meet to get our nails done. Her dog had just accidentally bitten her and she was crying so hard from the shock and the pain that I could hardly understand what she was saying. So I had to gather my stuff and drive out to where she was house sitting. That took about 40 minutes. She was much calmer by the time I got there, but she was still bleeding. So I took her to the emergency room. Luckily it was just a puncture, no stitches needed. It missed her fingernail, but took out a bit of the cuticle and flesh. So that got all cleaned up and bandaged, then she got a tetanus shot just in case, and they gave her antibiotics and a pain pill. She only almost passed out/got sick twice - once when she just had to look at the wound and once when they gave her the shot. Then the pills kicked in and she started getting loopy and sick to her stomach (because she hadn't eaten since about 8 am and it was now 2:15).

So, we went to P.F. Chang because she wanted Chinese, and that took forever. We thought we would never get out of there. It had to have taken well over an hour. Then we went into the mall because I needed to get something (which also took longer than expected) and she insisted on going to Macy's to find a birthday present for our friend even though we weren't staying at the party because she wasn't up to it and by then I was exhausted. Plus I was her ride. So we wandered through Macy's and finally found something, then stood in line for what felt like forever and then eventually made it out. Oh my goodness. I hate the mall so much. Anyway, by then it was almost time for the party. I still needed to stop by another friend's house to pick up the food she was contributing to the party because she was going straight from a workshop. So we did that, and then got over to the party about 45 minutes after it started. And the friend whose food I brought was already there. So then I had to tell the birthday girl what happened and that we couldn't stay. Blah blah blah. Is that the end? Nope.

Because we then had to go to the grocery store so she could get food so she wouldn't need to leave the house while she was recovering. This was after we found out that all the pharmacies were already closed so she would have to pick up her antibiotics the next day. It was as we were leaving the grocery store that my gas light finally came on. My poor baby had been running all day on almost empty. She did great, but she was tired and really needed a refill. So I found a good gas station and filled her up and we finally drove back out to where my friend was house sitting, where we were met by three very hyper dogs. (Did I mention that the house she was staying at has two dogs? No? Well, now you know.) I think we got back there around 7:30. I originally picked her up a little before noon, so we were gone for a long time. We spent the rest of the evening watching a movie and then some TV. I didn't leave there until after 1 in the morning, and then I had to drive all the way back to my house. It was a very long day. I think it goes without saying that I did not get up for church in the morning. I didn't do much of anything that Sunday, including my workout. Partly because I was exhausted and partly because the heat was rising. I just sat like a lump and read a book. It was nice.

I started last week with very little energy and then the mini heat wave hit and that took the rest of it, so I was very much hoping to get some rest this past weekend. How did that go? Not well. I had to get up at 6:30 Saturday so I could take my car in for an oil change and smog certification, which turned into a 50K mile service and smog certification. The good news is it was done about an hour sooner than they predicted when I got there. So I was done at 10:30 and took myself on over to Target to pick up some office supplies, then over to Safeway to do my grocery shopping. That's when my aunt finally called me back about what my cousin wanted to do for her birthday. Here's the thing. I was in Livermore because I take my car to the dealership there since they have all my records. My family lives in Livermore, but I live in Walnut Creek. What that meant is that I needed to drive back home to Walnut Creek to put away my groceries, shower and change so I could drive back to Pleasanton to be at the English Rose Tea House at 3, which is where my cousin wanted to go. She's eight and a little girly girl, so I wore a dress and cute shoes. So by the time that was done and I got back to my car (more than two blocks away because downtown Pleasanton has terrible parking) my feet were killing me and I had about 40 minutes until church. That's fine. But first I had to climb in the back seat of my car and change my clothes. I just really needed out of the dress and shoes. Of course, there was traffic down Main Street, and just as I got past that, guess what happened. You'll never guess. For only the third time ever (and, sadly, the second time in two weeks) my gas light came on. So I had to go to a Shell station and pay about 10 cents more per gallon than if I had been able to go to my normal gas station. :( But the good news is I made it to church in good time, then yummy Chinese food after and ended up getting home a bit after midnight. Not too bad for me. I was completely exhausted though and fell asleep in the middle of my journal entry.

And that still isn't the end because Sunday there was a girls' night at church as kind of a kick off for the bible study starting in September. Of course I woke up with a killer headache that would not go away, so what did I do? I decided to get up and clean my house a bit. This made the headache angrier, so I took one of my pills and went back to bed to catch up on The Closer. I really wanted to go to the church night, but I wasn't feeling great. My lovely friend was nice enough to drive back to pick me up and we had a nice late brunch, a stroll through Target, and a trip to Bath and Body works. And then we went to church and had a great night, despite the pounding in my head. I even managed to get to bed about the same time I usually do during the week, but I had to take Excedrin PM to help with my head which means I woke up groggy and discombobulated. But I'm feeling much better today and I had a great workout last night. I feel like I'm getting back on track which really gives me a boost.

I wrap up this epic post by concluding that I really need to get more rest on the weekends. I'm so glad this weekend is a holiday weekend. And I'm taking an extra day to just have some fun and relax because I have another birthday party this weekend. Hopefully I'll make it to this one! I would like to take this opportunity to rally support for a permanent switch to a four day weekend. Who's with me?

Why fall makes me happy

I am so happy that two day heat wave is over. I know it could have been so much worse, and summer aside from that was quite lovely, but I do NOT do well in the heat. And Tuesday was relentless. I work in a place that stays pretty cool most of the time so most of the buildings don't have air conditioning. So when something like that happens it feels terrible because there is nowhere to escape the heat. Eight hours of that and I was about ready to injure people. I was not a happy camper. Now it is back to normal and I am so happy. I'm not one of those people who seems to complain no matter what the weather is. I like it cool to cold and I am not shy about saying so. Anything above lukewarm is just too hot for me. I like fall, I like winter, I like rain. I really need to move to a colder state.

Horrifying late August heat aside, we are now heading into my favorite time of year (despite the fact that it is also the time when the students return to campus). You know what I'm talking about don't you? That's right! The new TV season is about to start. I have my chart all set up. It has all my shows, color coded by channel, categorized by whether they are definites or in a probationary period, and all labeled with their start dates. OK, so maybe I'm a little crazy, but I like to be organized about this. Otherwise there would be complete chaos and I just don't have time for that. Since I'm being all open about myself, I will let you see my current chart.

So let's discuss what I'm excited about (aside from the fact that I just turned a spreadsheet into a jpeg and uploaded it. I rock!). Number one, of course, is Glee. The first season DVDs are released September 14 and I will be preordering from Amazon so they come as quickly as possible. The show comes back September 21 and that's my birthday week, so I think of it as a present just for me. Glee just makes me happy. I'm not going to pretend it's all deep and stuff. It's just fun, and I love the music. As you can see from the key at the bottom, all the shows in bold are my definites. They have gone through the harrowing probationary period and have earned a permanent place on my chart. Which does not mean they will always be there. Just two years ago Gossip Girl was in bold, but last year it went all funky and I stopped watching pretty quickly. I considered keeping it on the schedule back in probation, but found that I just didn't care anymore - even though Kristen Bell is the voice of Gossip Girl and that's pretty much guaranteed to trigger my still strong love for Veronica Mars. Plus I can always get the DVDs on Netflix if I decide I want to watch. The award for longest definite currently on my schedule goes to The Office. I'm not as excited about it as I used to be, but I am still loyal. I make no guarantees for next year, though (if there is one), because I just don't know what it would be without Steve Carell. (Jim, you know I love you, but where would you all be without Michael Scott?)

I'm very excited for Vampire Diaries and Community to come back on. Both are tied with Glee for newest definites, though it took them longer to earn their slots than it did Glee, which I had on my schedule after the preview that was shown the previous spring. I'm interested to see where they will take Vampire Diaries in its second year. They veered so far from the books in the first season that I have no clue what might happen, and I'm really enjoying it. They have no problem killing off characters, so that's entertaining. And I think it's really well done aside from a few episodes toward the beginning when Elena was all I love you Stefan, but I need my space, I can't be with you, I just need time, but I LOVE YOU! - which was waaaaaaaaaay too close to all that Dawson's Creek Joey/Dawson soul mate crap for me. I had to live through that once already, Kevin Williamson, and I blame you entirely. Do not make me go through that again! Thank you very much. Ahem. Moving on. Community is just awesome and makes me laugh every week. Enough said.

OK I feel like I'm just going on and on, but there are only a few more.
Chuck: fun comedy/spy/action show. Always good. Plus Adam Baldwin, which is what got me to watch it in the first place. And Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake? Awesomely perfect theme song. 
How I Met Your Mother: Why do I love this show? What made it a definite for me? Three words: Neil Patrick Harris. 
Biggest Loser: My only reality show other than SYTYCD. It inspires me and pushes me to do more in my workouts. I like that. 
Bones: Like Glee, this show is just pure enjoyment for me. It's fun to watch. And David Boreanaz is in it. He's so naturally good at being goofy. As a Buffy fan who preferred Angelus to Angel because Angel was such a broody downer, I enjoy seeing David play a character who has fun and a sense of humor without being all, you know, evil. 
Supernatural: This one only takes two words: Jensen Ackles. Yum. Sometimes I'm shallow.

All the others are new shows that I am willing to give a shot, but I have very little patience these days. If something doesn't grab me quickly, I just don't have the time to keep up with it. So that is the story of why I like fall. I don't have anything more in depth to say about it now, but rest assured that once they start and something I really like or hate happens, I will probably be back here ranting and analyzing it. That's just how I roll.

Human

Sometimes I have those days when everything is just meh. Today was one of those. It was so hot all day with no relief anywhere. I was tired, partly from the heat. I got cranky. And I spent about two hours tonight examining myself and discussing my flaws in my Tuesday group (that part happens every week) and finding more things I need to work on. It's exhausting sometimes. And here's what I do when I feel like I just have nothing left in me: find a good song and play it over and over. This is tonight's.

Temptation

Two posts in one day! Incredible. And of course I'm doing this when I really should be going to bed. Such is my nature. Usually when I should be sleeping I decide that I really need to reorganize my bookshelves or something. At least this shouldn't take as long as that would.

I was thinking about guilt some more (like I said before, I think too much) as well as something that Chalene Johnson said that keeps popping into my head. There is a link to her blog over there on the right if you want to read some of what she has to say. Anyway, something she said that I keep coming back to is this: When you are tempted, think about how you will feel an hour later. Now, when she said that she was mainly talking about the temptation to eat something you shouldn't. And it's true for that. It has helped me a number of times to just stop and think about why it is I'm eating what I'm eating. But it really goes beyond that for me and has been very helpful in my attempts to adjust my thinking. For me, temptation comes in many forms, and what Chalene says works so well for pretty much all of them in large part because of guilt. If I were to eat something I shouldn't, or more than I should, in an hour I won't feel good. That's natural. But more than that, I will feel bad emotionally because it makes me feel guilty and disappointed in myself. And in this case, I appreciate the guilt because when I think about how I'll feel in an hour, it is less about how I will feel physically and more about how I will feel about myself. For giving in. For doing something unhealthy and self-destructive. I think about why I would be doing that to myself, and that has two good results. One, it distracts me from temptations and two, it makes me take a really good look at what I am doing and how I am thinking, which really affects my behavior and ultimately my entire life. In a good way.

Scripture tends to indicate that while there is no condemnation in Christ and all condemnation is from below, there is a good kind of guilt. The kind that is connected to a conscience, that makes us aware of what we are doing, makes us feel bad when we do wrong, and often makes us change our attitudes and behaviors.* My previous post - that was about condemnation. That is something I'm really working on. What I'm talking about above is more the good kind of guilt (in moderation, of course; I don't dig extremes), and that is something to which I need to pay more attention. Both so I can know the difference between when I feel a helpful guilt or condemnation, and so that I can truly recognize mistakes in my life and learn to grow from them. And that's what I have to say about that.

*This is my opinion.

Guilt is a funny thing

I find it interesting that I can make myself feel so much guilt sometimes, and about the most ridiculous things. I decided to skip my workout yesterday because it felt really hot and I just needed a day to be still, you know? It was a crazy weekend and I needed yesterday to be a quiet one before coming back to work. Skipping one workout isn't a big deal, as long as it doesn't become a habit. Which is hasn't. I fully intend to do my workout tonight. I will be skipping Wednesday's workout as well because I'm hanging out with a friend, but it is also going to be hot that day so I probably would have skipped it anyway. Again, that's fine, as long as it isn't a habit. Yet I felt bad yesterday after I made the decision, and I felt bad this morning when I decided to skip Wednesday. Not guilty for skipping my workouts (well, a little bit, but not much), but guilty for not feeling as bad about it as I think I should. Does that even make sense?

It's such a strange head trip I give myself. And why? What purpose could it possibly serve? It's such a horribly vicious (and suddenly I can't remember how to spell vicious - that's a Monday for you) cycle. I know I'm not the only one who does this; far from it. But lately I've been thinking a lot about how I treat myself and why. Like many people, I'm much harder on myself than on others. I am my own worst critic. But why? I don't have an answer for that. Yet. I've dealt with a lot in my life, more than some and less than others. There are definite emotional scars and self-esteem issues resulting from how I was raised and the people I was around. But I need to take responsibility for my own actions and the part I play. I can freely admit that this guilt I put on myself is my doing. I am also very aware that I don't like myself much. The thing that bothers me, though, is that I can't find a real, tangible reason to dislike myself. I know the bad things I've done, and while I'm still working on forgiving myself, I know that God forgives me and other people have forgiven me. And I know that I'm a good person. I do know that. I have a lot of good qualities, and not many bad qualities, if I do say so myself.

The dislike I harbor for myself is not based on who I am or even what I have done. In fact, if I study it closely it appears to be about what I am not, and at its core it is completely superficial. (Side note: Can something superficial have a core? Wouldn't it be hollow? Food for thought.) Maybe I dislike that I can be that superficial? But I don't think that I am. It is completely irrational. I hate that! I have no way to fight against irrational, illogical behavior. It's like trying to win an argument with someone whose opinion has no basis in fact, but is somehow stronger because of that. That's actually a pretty good description of how I feel about myself. There are two parts of me fighting each other and I'm the one losing. It feels awful. But I know there has to be a way out of this lose-lose battle. Until I find out what it is, I'm just going to keep going one day at a time, doing what I know I need to do. Who knows? Maybe by the time I figure out my happy medium I will find myself already there.

The morning after

I was on my computer last night and I got bored and decided to set up a blog. If you read the first post, you know this already. But my friend couldn't seem to get to it, so I created another here on blogspot. So then I had two. And I thought, OK, I'll just see which one I like better. Now it's the next day and I'm not as tired and bored as I was last night. This me, the one who is far more rational, realizes that two blogs of the same thing is repetitive in a way I don't like. So I have changed the original blog into a blog about my food adventures and I will keep this one as I originally intended. So yeah. I now have two blogs. Who am I, and what have I done with myself? I don't know how I end up in these situations. But hey, at least I'm updating my blog!

Anyway, if you want to follow my food adventures (such as they may be), they can be found over on my tumblr blog. I will keep this one for my general life stuff. I feel incredibly accomplished now, without actually having done much of anything.

The beginning

I guess I’m starting a blog. How does one start? Beginnings have always been difficult for me. So difficult that they often don’t happen at all. I could blame it on my perfectionism, but really I think it is usually fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough. It’s easier to not start at all, isn’t it? That’s what I tell myself. But I just THINK too much. Thus, a blog. But I also know myself well enough to know that I probably won’t be very consistent with updates. Blogging seems way too close to journaling, which is not my favorite thing to do. Except no one else reads my journal, thank goodness. But both carry with them the burden of updates. What is the purpose of a blog with no updates? Would that even be a blog? It’s more like some singular, random post floating in the middle of the internet for no apparent reason. Now I’m getting all deep and stuff. Sorry - I do tend to ramble and go off on tangents. Where was I?

So, a blog. I don’t know what I will write about or even if it will be of any interest to anyone (including me). But I’m giving it a shot. If nothing else, I hope it will reduce some of the constant noise in my head. I guess the best way to start is to tell a bit about myself. What to say? I can’t think of how to describe me. I’m female. I’m 28. I work in an administrative position at a university, a job that serves its purpose, though I grow less certain each day that its purpose and my purpose are at all close. But I’m very grateful to have a steady, fairly secure job with good benefits, so I’ll just leave it at that. I am a Christian and I love God. I will probably talk about Him from time to time, so fair warning if you’re not into that. I love to read, I love to watch movies and some TV, I love music. I LOVE to exercise - there’s just something about that high after a really good workout that leaves me exhausted and covered in sweat that I crave. I spend far too much of my day on facebook and checking my email. That all sounds so generic, but I guess I can’t get all of me into a single post.

I’m just going to stop there and let you get to know me through my posts instead of trying to describe myself any more than that. So now I’m at the end here. And what is perhaps more difficult for me than beginning is ending. I just never know how. Another reason I don’t even begin. But that is just another issue in life that I’m dealing with. I am forever a work in progress, trying each day to move a little bit beyond where I was the day before, always looking for the beauty in the world around me to keep me going.