Guilt is a funny thing

I find it interesting that I can make myself feel so much guilt sometimes, and about the most ridiculous things. I decided to skip my workout yesterday because it felt really hot and I just needed a day to be still, you know? It was a crazy weekend and I needed yesterday to be a quiet one before coming back to work. Skipping one workout isn't a big deal, as long as it doesn't become a habit. Which is hasn't. I fully intend to do my workout tonight. I will be skipping Wednesday's workout as well because I'm hanging out with a friend, but it is also going to be hot that day so I probably would have skipped it anyway. Again, that's fine, as long as it isn't a habit. Yet I felt bad yesterday after I made the decision, and I felt bad this morning when I decided to skip Wednesday. Not guilty for skipping my workouts (well, a little bit, but not much), but guilty for not feeling as bad about it as I think I should. Does that even make sense?

It's such a strange head trip I give myself. And why? What purpose could it possibly serve? It's such a horribly vicious (and suddenly I can't remember how to spell vicious - that's a Monday for you) cycle. I know I'm not the only one who does this; far from it. But lately I've been thinking a lot about how I treat myself and why. Like many people, I'm much harder on myself than on others. I am my own worst critic. But why? I don't have an answer for that. Yet. I've dealt with a lot in my life, more than some and less than others. There are definite emotional scars and self-esteem issues resulting from how I was raised and the people I was around. But I need to take responsibility for my own actions and the part I play. I can freely admit that this guilt I put on myself is my doing. I am also very aware that I don't like myself much. The thing that bothers me, though, is that I can't find a real, tangible reason to dislike myself. I know the bad things I've done, and while I'm still working on forgiving myself, I know that God forgives me and other people have forgiven me. And I know that I'm a good person. I do know that. I have a lot of good qualities, and not many bad qualities, if I do say so myself.

The dislike I harbor for myself is not based on who I am or even what I have done. In fact, if I study it closely it appears to be about what I am not, and at its core it is completely superficial. (Side note: Can something superficial have a core? Wouldn't it be hollow? Food for thought.) Maybe I dislike that I can be that superficial? But I don't think that I am. It is completely irrational. I hate that! I have no way to fight against irrational, illogical behavior. It's like trying to win an argument with someone whose opinion has no basis in fact, but is somehow stronger because of that. That's actually a pretty good description of how I feel about myself. There are two parts of me fighting each other and I'm the one losing. It feels awful. But I know there has to be a way out of this lose-lose battle. Until I find out what it is, I'm just going to keep going one day at a time, doing what I know I need to do. Who knows? Maybe by the time I figure out my happy medium I will find myself already there.